Morning Depression

Me: *wakes up & reach for phone* 

8:27am

*go back to sleep*

Me: *wakes up & reach for phone* 

 10:10am

Me: … just five more minutes..

…….

….

..

*opens eyes & reach for phone* 

12:01pm

Me: Uugh.. *slide face across pillow to edge of bed*

…..

..

12:35pm

*slides right arm & leg off bed* 

….

..

12:49pm

*slides half of body off bed*

….

..

1:21pm

*slowly falls to carpet*

….

..

Me: … *reach for blanket on bed and pull off* 

Me: *covers self with blanket*

In the Dead of the Night

You saved me from evil

but you are evil

eviler than he and she?

not in my eyes

but in theirs, yes

was it wrong for me to summon you?

to call out to whoever was listening

for something to come and save me

good or bad

bright or obscure as they may be

partly out of despair

And partly out of hope

who would blame me?

and who would damn me?

they do not understand a life of constant suffering

not just out but in

inside more than anything

but you were in the past

and out of curiosity I called out to you again

because I had forgotten those memories long ago

will you help me once more?

or will you cause me unimaginable suffering?

My mind says the latter

But my heart says not

And my intuition

 although strong as it may be

fails me the moment I need it most

whatever I choose

I will always have you on my mind,

when I feel most alone

in the dead of the night.

—–

◢ Annadris

His Name Is…

Diagnosed schizophrenic and having suffered from depression and anxiety most of her life, 22 year old Nonie is admitted into a psychiatric ward for attempting suicide. They know she’s afraid of something but getting her to talk about it remains a challenge, and convincing her it’s not real but that she has an illness is a whole other story.

———————————-

“Tell me about Charles.” Dr. Burnell requested.

“Ch…arles..” Nonie began.

“Yes, Charles.”

“…” Nonie glanced up at the doctor, her dark brown eyes large as if she were permanently surprised or perhaps as if she had seen something terrible she could never forget. She looked as if she were about to start, but her lips did not move.

“Since you’ve arrived here you haven’t spoken anything but one word.  The nurses tell me you’ve woken up screaming every single night and all they could get out of you was the name Charles.  You say his name over and over again.”

The doctor waited to see if she would respond to his claim but all she did was stare at him for a moment and look away.

“How about this Nonie, tell me one thing about Charles. It can be anything.  Even just one word.” Dr. Burnell waited in anticipation.

Nonie looked down as if thinking. A few minutes passed, then slowly her head raised up.

“Eyes..”

“Eyes?” the doctor repeated.

She stared into his eyes for a moment.

“Black eyes.” she ascertained.

The doctor looked at her for a second.

“Anything else?”

Nonie covered her eyes with her hands and bent forward.

“Don’t! Don’t make me!” She repeated this over and over again in a panic.

“Okay Nonie, it’s okay. That’ll be all for today. I’ll have the nurse escort you back to your room.  We can talk again tomorrow.”

Nonie stopped rocking back and forth and slowly uncovered her eyes, staring down to the ground.

Dr. Burnell got up and walked to the door, popping his head out to call for the nurse.  Nonie walked past him soundlessly as if she were walking on air and followed her back to her room.


9:00pm

“Lights out!”

Nonie grasped tighter onto the bedsheets below her chin, holding her breathe.  A dim light entered from the hallway through the tiny square window. Wide eyed, she was afraid to blink for if she did she was afraid something might appear in that split second she had her eyes shut. She breathed shallowly hoping that if it appeared she wasn’t moving then whatever she was afraid of couldn’t see her.  She knew this wasn’t really true but it gave her a tiny bit of comfort.

It seemed like an eternity of anxiety had passed. She began to doze off a bit from all the sleepless nights prior.

As she fought to keep her eyes open, she started to go numb in her arms and legs.  they felt tingly and before she could stop it from coming on she couldn’t move.

Every breathe out was filled with anticipation and terror. She could only move her eyes.

Nonie started to attempt to wiggle her toe to get out of the paralysis.

Suddenly she felt a heaviness consume the room around her, and she knew it was there.

Pressure suddenly surrounded her neck, as if hands were grasping at her throat but she could see nothing in front of her but the darkness.

She was choking.

She couldn’t breathe.

A deep, guttural voice spoke. 

“LET ME IN.”

..N..oo! She thought in terror.

“LET ME IN!”

NO!!

Her mouth seemed to be forced open as she felt a heavy dark smoke entered her body.  She felt it slowly move through her, from her throat,through her chest, down through her stomach and through her legs.

“Hhhhhaa!” She gasped, her body shot up in bed and she frantically looked around the room.

It was gone.

 

 

Twenty Five

T is for the Truth that I will forever seek.

W is for When I was younger I promised myself that it’d get better.

E is for Every day I never gave up hope.

N is for Nearly dying when I couldn’t take anymore.

T is for Trying everything in the God damn book.

Y is for every Year I wasted trying to find a cure.

F is for Finally Finding something that could help.

I is for Interrupting that by stopping all my pills.

V is for Visiting what I use to cherish dear.

E is for Every soul who understand how it feels to be mentally ill.

—–

◢ Annadris

Familiar

What has helped me wasn’t a belief in something greater

It was belief in myself, something I discovered later.

Who came to me wasn’t just the light, but the darkness also called out.

For a life of suffering, for years, without a doubt

changes a person inside and out.

An angel said not to fear

and the demon said, “I’ll help you dear,”

So I took the lights advice

and greeted the demon thrice.

Once with a bow,

Once with a kiss, 

And once on the demons lips.

—–

◢ Annadris